01-06-2026

 "Dearest father-to-my-son-&-lover-of-all-of-my-dreams-&-all-of-my-nightmares: Jay Edwin Darling,"
 Microchimerism may be the catalyst keeping me from moving forward in my life. So, if i must carry your blood — let it not bad blood anymore. do you ever think about him? You know he would be almost 6 now.I didn’t handle things gracefully before or after. Butting into your life & your relationships (many fragile ones at that) mustve been incredibly intrusive & very weird. I was desperate to fit a square into a circle or find support. That wasnt where to find it & I am sorry.

Levi would’ve had beautiful relationships with his maternal & paternal families; including with us individually. If he were with us, he’d be sharing those final moments of innocence & potent imagination with us & our families. Lots of sledding, blanket forts & endless buttcrack jokes. Even if life required some miles getting him back & forth between us, he’d be happy as long as he was with you or I. But let’s be honest - he’d obsess over his dad who was winging it … perfectly.

If you dont feel Levi, understand my longing, or if youre truly glad he is gone - that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel however you want. But I hope someday you can pay heed to that girl you took out sushi & bowling - the one who was smitten over you & impressed by that version of Jay I did experience momentarily. Perhaps then you can acknowledge her resilience. Because the more time goes on, the more I begin to wonder if my ‘resilience’ is just procrastinating actual life or purposeful death.I wish you all the best. I forgive you. You deserve success, peace of mind & gentle, unconditional love from someone good - because you are half of him.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

07-19-2026

"OPINIONATION GIVING ICK"
I wonder how much the opinions on our feelings really matter considering they likely will be misunderstood. How can we express our rage in ways that are approachable, while still portraying an idea or emotion effectively & specifically? 

 - REG. PERSONAL JUDGEMENTS TOWARDS MYSELF POST HEARING MYSELF IN AUTHOR FROM SELECT PARTS OF LENA DUNHAM'S WRITINGS IN 'FAMESICK'
 
"2 SKHOOL OR NOT 2 SKOOL" A PROS & CONS LIST
PROS
Further my Skills & Education • Structure
CONS
Risk of bad/unrelatable teaching • DEBT • time dedication & less time to D.I.mY$lf • Credibility 
  a. Do entrepreneurs require proving of credibility?
  b. Do employers truly give a shit about a degree these days?
  c. especially in the fucking arts?